It wasn’t just you I fell in love with. It was the feeling. The idea. It was your family, and how you got along with mine. It was the things I rolled my eyes at, that you loved. It was having someone to fall back on, and cry to. It was everything.
I dream of horrible things every night and wake up unable to breathe.
I just want like a super cute/chill ass relationship. Like my expectations really aren’t that high, I promise. But ugh idk. When I first started hanging out with Lucas (my current boyfriend), we just did like random shit. One night we hung out and we were driving and he wouldn’t tell me where we were going, and he drove us to the top of the spiral highway, where you can see the WHOLE valley and it was dark/nighttime and all the lights were so beautiful and it was windy up there and he let me wear his jacket and we just sat down and talked and looked at the cities. It was the cutest thing ever but now that we’re dating hardcore and hes ‘got me’, he’s not worried about losing me so we don’t do cute shit anymore and yeah. He used to be like cute 90% of the time and a jerk the other 10% but now it switched and hes cute 10% of the time and an asshole the other 90%. I dunno man, I just don’t date well. I’d rather not date anyone but ya know w/e
Oh, you’re having an anxiety attack? Just because you’re really sad right now and can’t find your “light at the end of the tunnel”? Five minutes of laying down sad is having an anxiety attack? No, fuck you. An anxiety attack is when you’re fucking writhing and screaming. You’re gasping for air while fighting to get away from something you can’t escape; Yourself. It doesn’t last five minutes, ittakes a half hour or more to run its course, if you’re having a serious one. Wow, your boyfriend of a month broke up with you and you’re upset for a week. That means you had a bunch of anxiety attacks during that time? No. If you get one or two or three, you aren’t having anxiety attacks, you’re just fucking stressed. If you’re getting them as frequently as once a day or more, for a time span that stretches over months, then you’re having anxiety attacks. I’m so fucking sick of people just covering up their lame ass sad-spells as anxiety. Unless you’ve had some real shit dealt to you, then don’t claim that you’re having anxiety attacks.
I’m not even sure why. I mean of course I’ve always enjoyed painting. Not the actual activity even, it’s the feeling. Having every emotion flow from the core of your being and out your fingertips is pure bliss. But if you don’t feel for what you’re painting, then you aren’t getting the full effect. I mean just imagine pouring all the passion and the light and hope and promise that you’ve got, onto an empty canvas- hungry for life. Just think of how using the perfect colors in just the right places could pretty much light a fire of inspiration in the viewer’s heart. That’s one of the things that painting is used for anyways, the benefit of the viewer. Using such a simple tool as a paintbrush to create something that can be life changing, well the concept just blows my mind.
In fact, it’s not just painting. Writing, as well, truly amazes me. It’s such a similar concept. As incredibly cliche as it sounds, the breathing’s of your heart can create the most incredible thing- and on a piece of paper too. Think about it. If an eight by eleven can change the world, imagine what it would take to change the hearts of others? We could completely redefine things such as hate and fear and the unknown.
We would literally have infinite power at out fingertips, and honestly, that is pretty damn scary.
The thing is..
I believe every person has people that will change them, whether that be romantically or whathaveyou. It doesn’t matter whether you’re closed off, shy, awkward.. Once you meet that person, none of it really matters. If you tell me you’re just scared of getting hurt, or not an affectionate person, I know that it’s me. Not something negative about me per say, but I’m just not that person for you.
When you go away you’ll meet someone that will- as cliche as it sounds- light up your fucking world. Exuse me for using ‘fucking’ in this, but truly, when you’re faced with thoes kind of feelings.. There’s nothing else for it. It’s fucking amazing. Literally, it amazes you. That person will fill your life with these.. Crazy, unexplainable things, and compliment you in ways that will blow your mind.
You’ll have that person one day, I hope. Maybe you’ll find someone that will make you love yourself as much as they will. Maybe you’ll find someone to make you happy
What gives one person the right to be absolutely terrible to another person? I mean, human beings are the most beautiful and fascinating things, and it confuses me to see why they are capable of such intense hate. I agree that there is amazing beauty in flaws, bu when it comes down to it, is the need to murder a flaw? Is verbal/physical abuse a flaw? I feel like it runs so much deeper than that. Putting someone down is one thing, but receiving enjoyment from it is a whole other concept. There are all kinds of hate and each and every type is one hundred percent unjustified. Racial hate, self hate, gay/lesbian hate, and every other kind. Obviously most cases will have determining factors in which they use to help themselves sleep at night, but when you look at the bigger picture, it’s still wrong. Not only are you wrong for keeping the problem alive, but the cause of your issues is also wrong.
Human beings can so cruelly say to one person, what they would never dream of saying to another. People don’t understand how much damage they can really cause. Words are the most powerful weapon and we are all equipped with a deadly arsenal. It’s terrible and horrifying to watch as the world unleashes its verbal weapons upon itself. We are whole and you cannot destroy part of the whole without destroying all of it.
People don’t realize how the physical stuff heals, but the mental stuff stays around forever, eating away at you.
I love dream catchers. Seriously, I think I am addicted. I only own three and I bought each one in a different state. It isn’t even the look necessarily, it’s the idea. The thought that something so simple can take away bad dreams using only a wooden frame, feathers and string. I just fucking love them.
The other day in downtown Lewiston I was at the weirdest little shop. Like they literally sold bongs and pipes there, but they had a lot of other cool things. Anyways, while I was there I couldn’t help but notice that they sold dream catchers. One of them was huge and it had three smaller dream catchers coming off of it. It was only twelve dollars and I want it so fucking much ugh.
I wish I was your favorite girl, I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world. I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile. I wish the way I dressed was your favorite kind of style. I wish that without me you couldn’t eat. I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.
Seriously, why are some girls just so damn insatiable? Is one guy just not enough for you? I don’t get it whatsoever. And before you ask, no this does not pertain to myself. But when I look around and see girls being with one guy and having five others on the side.. no that is not an okay thing. Don’t fucking toy with someone like that. You do not care about him like that, so why must you act like you do? It is just so hard to watch this go on knowing that there is nothing that I can do to stop what is unfolding literally right in front of my eyes.